Birth Story

Oh wow, hello 2017 and you guessed it BABY! The last I left you I was headed to a MFM appointment for a growth ultrasound, lets take it from there...

The growth ultrasound went terrific. Lucia was measuring her usual 1.5 weeks ahead and it was guestimated that she was currently 7.5 lbs. My blood pressure was perfect which was a relief as it had decided to act up at my last couple of OB appointments. My MFM bid me adieu and commented while looking at my very swollen feet that she hoped Lucia would make an earlier entrance as I visibly looked like I hurt. I honestly did not feel that bad. I was still working and going through life motions albeit a bit slower and often felt like I was walking in quick sand due to the extreme swelling of my lower extremities. 

The following afternoon I had an OB appointment. This appointment did not go as planned. My blood pressure was taken twice and it was high.  My OB decided to check me and I was 1cm dilated.  My blood pressure was then taken a third time and it was high, and there was a small amount of protein in my urine. He instructed me to go to Labor & Delivery for further blood pressure monitoring. I text messaged my boss to let her know that I would not be returning to work that afternoon and I would most likely be in the following morning. I casually text messaged my husband who frantically called me and asked if he should leave his meeting. I told him it was up to him, and explained that I was only going to Labor & Delivery for monitoring. He decided to meet me at Labor & Delivery Triage where I was hooked up to the NST monitors and a blood pressure cuff that was set to go off every ten minutes. We spent the next couple of hours chit chatting and watching bits and pieces of Runaway Bride. I knew some of my blood pressure readings were coming back high and some just mildly high. I think I even had a couple of normal readings here and there. We both figured they would be sending me home to lay on my side and return back in the morning.  

Not!  The OB on call came to talk to us after about 3 hours of monitoring and said the baby looks fabulous, as she always does! BUT... my blood pressure readings were in her words 'garbage' and it would be wildly irresponsible if she sent me home especially seeing I would be 38 weeks at the stroke of midnight. It would be best to have this baby now rather than later when I could quickly make a turn for the worse.  At this point reality hit my husband and I, we would not be leaving together without a baby! 

That night I was settled into a room, and Cervadil was placed with the plan of starting Pitocin the following morning.

Morning came and Pitcocin began. I will not lengthen the day but Pitocin did not do a thing. I had regular contractions but my cervix didn't budge. My OB decided to insert a foley bulb catheter that evening in hopes that we would get more progress the following morning. NOT TO SCARE you but this my friends was torture. I have had a heap load of procedures and this was one of the worst for me.  It was second to laminaria insertion.

The next morning came and the foley catheter was removed and I was checked. We were at a four! Woohoo! Pitocin was started that morning. I pleaded and begged and was given the okay for a couple of laps around the birthing center.  After about 5 hours of Pitocin the OB on call was able to break my bag. Holy hell that was a lot of water.  My contractions continued but were not as regular as the day before.  The OB on call allowed me to be on the max dosage of Pitocin (20) for a couple of more hours until she wanted to monitor the contractions closer with an internal monitor because I was still only dilated to a four.  The internal contraction monitor indeed showed I was experiencing contractions, but there was no dilation. At around 9pm the OB on call brought up a c-section and I cried and cried some more, but at this point I knew a healthy baby was our main goal.

Lucia Maria was born at 10:50 the evening of December 2nd weighing 7lbs 5oz and measuring 20 inches. She was perfect and everything we had dreamed of and prayed for.

The c-section went perfectly with the exception of some hemorrhaging but thankfully a transfusion was not necessary.  The recovery was nowhere as bad as I thought it would be.  The scar is nowhere near as bad as I thought it would be and after lots of analyzing I would not change my birth story.  It was not what I had planned, but the outcome was far more than I had dreamed of.

33 Weeks

33 Weeks  

Food Aversions – nothing new

Cravings - trying to curb the sweet cravings!

Symptoms -  Lots of trips to the bathroom, swelling in my feet and hands (this has been off and on throughout but now its just on and really, really bad) and this weird symptom where my middle finger on my left hand cramps up in the morning and doesn't unkink itself until afternoon. Oh! I am also hungry all of the time. 

Other Happenings – I had a surprise shower at work which was very sweet. It was complete with petit fours, finger sandwiches and a beautiful cake. Lucia received more beautiful gifts including a crocheted blanket and cross stitched butterfly bib and burp rag set. I work with some talented women.

I have begun planning for my maternity leave. EEK!  We have also chosen a pediatrician. 

Things are definitely starting to feel very real. 

Upcoming Happenings - I have my second growth ultrasound this afternoon and will be starting NST next week.  My husband is finishing up the nursery and I have lot to put away. 

Time is officially flying by!

Surreal

Things over here have been surreal. I cannot even begin to imagine how they will feel once we bring this little girl home in December.

The nursery is painted and the crib is assembled.  This alone put me into a whirlwind. WE HAVE AN ASSEMBLED CRIB IN A PAINTED NURSERY WHERE IN THREE MONTHS A BABY WILL SLEEP. We have unpacked boxes of "baby" that we were unsure we would ever use.

We registered for our baby shower and hemmed and hawed about the car seat selection.

I feel kicks, my husband feels kicks. I have cravings for all things chocolate (which is rare for me). My latest obsession being these

The excitement our families have for us makes my heart so ridiculously full. 

I had my fetal echo done this morning which showed a very active baby girl with a perfect little heart and darling little profile.

The pain of the past cannot be erased, nor would I want it to be but I can say this the excitement for our future and for this baby girl trumps all of the pain we have been through the last few years. 

So many emotions

I have so much joy for this pregnancy, for this little tiny human growing inside of me. 

but...

I also have an overwhelming set of other emotions that often overshadow the joy. 

thanks pregnancy loss

There is an overwhelmingly sense of fear that comes along with pregnancy after a loss(es).  This is not fear of the unknown.  Unfortunately this is fear of the known. Fear of what you have known has happened.  There is no moment not ridiculed by this fear; am I really pregnant? did I see something on the ultrasound? my boobs no longer hurt. where is my nausea? 

I have been lucky enough to have a great RE who has done a whole lot of hand holding, but the sense of fear is still there. It disappears on the day of an ultrasound appointment, but quickly returns. There is no constant reassurance that the baby you are now carrying has a heart that is still beating. However, there is a constant fear that once againyour body will fail you leaving you with flashbacks of past pregnancy loss(es). The anguish and pain that only a person whom has experienced can ever understand. The pain never disappears - it simply retreats and is resurrected during what is supposed to be one of the most joyous parts of one's life. 

Along with the fear comes extreme paranoia. Can I eat this? Can I eat that? Dissecting lab results. Listeria. Zika Virus.  You name it. You know how quickly your dreams for your unborn baby can be taken from you, and the terror you live in of making a 'mistake' and having those dreams ripped from you will drive you mad.  It will wreak havoc on your relationships and well being. 

I wish I had a miracle remedy in surviving the fear and paranoia, but I do not.  I have been merely surviving.  Thank goodness for pregnancy exhaustion, as I have noticed sleeping the fear and paranoia away is a quick fix. Although, this symptom has subsided (cue paranoia). I have been focusing on milestones. I have been thankful for each day.  I have a lot of hope for this baby, and I refuse to let the majority of this pregnancy be overshadowed with the fear of pregnancy past, but I am not going to sugar coat it - its hard. Harder than I had ever imagined. 

It's going to be a very long nine months, but I am going to fill it with lots and lots of hope. 

Kwak vs RE

We met with my RE to discuss Dr. Kwak-Kim's findings. She was surprised to see my NKC activity came back abnormal, as she ran a NKC assay in March and it came back within range. However, I have read NKC activity is always fluctuating. 

She does not agree with Dr. Kwak-Kim's recommended protocol, as she feels its too aggressive and treats test results rather than a complete individual. 

She was actually much more anti-Kwak than I thought she would be.  She told me she has had numerous hysterical patients because of her (eek!). I did not get that vibe from her, but I am not going to lie it was a very overwhelming amount of information.

She is retesting my NKC activity and if they are elevated she will prescribe intralipids (1st treatment one week before transfer and then a treatment every 4 weeks up to 20 weeks) and a 7 day dosage of Medrol pre-transfer. My RE is extremely anti IVIG, but very pro intralipids when necessary. She doesn't believe in 40mg of Lovenox twice daily right off the bat but rather monitoring weekly and adjusting the Lovenox as needed. She also feels the Metformin will not do much for me, but could assist in lowering inflammation.  She has also recommended me doubling my fish oil to twice daily (2000mg of EPA/DHA) and adding in Barlean's Twin Oil for additional Omegas. 

I really value my RE's opinion. If you remember I was very hesitant about giving Long Lupron another go, and she was right. It was my most successful cycle yet. 

I have heard of many patients following Kwak's protocol and adding intralipids instead of the IVIG.  As of right now, I think that is what we are going to go with. In addition, to the monitoring from Kwak. We are both undecided regarding the Prednisone treatment. I am not opposed to a low dose short term, but a large dose long term treatment is out of the question. 

I also plan on contacting Dr. Kwak's office regarding the endometrial biopsy she wants done. I feel as if the treatment would not change much regardless of the results, as IVIG is not an option. 

Stay tuned!

  

34

My 34th birthday was this past weekend, and I was pretty quiet about it.  Even more quiet about it than usual. I have never been a birthday princess, per se. If you are, more power to you. I have been this way since my 18th birthday. I vividly remember crying because I was turning 18. 

Issue? Perhaps Definitely. 

Anyhow, this birthday was much more difficult than birthdays of the past. I couldn't help but remember the way I spent my last birthday. I remember it clear as day.  

I fell asleep on the couch; in my coat and scarf waiting for a friend to pick me up for massages and lunch.  

The afternoon was delightful but I was exhausted. I started to then blame the exhaustion on the massage. 

I mustered up enough energy after massages and lunch to get ready for dinner with my husband at Sushisamba.  We got about a mile from our house and I requested we stay in and order take out.  

Little did I know, but I had *hoped* that I was pregnant.  Of course, this was the main goal but I did not want to get mine or my husband's hopes up just yet.  I shrugged it off as holiday exhaustion.   

At this point, I was counting down the days until I could pee on a stick. I found out I was pregnant three days later.  

The week of Christmas 2014 was without a doubt the happiest Christmas week of my life. 

The excitement I had to tell my husband, gathering cards to tell my sister-in law and mother-in-law and just the overwhelming joy that I had knowing that next Christmas we would be a family of three. 

We know how well that turned out. 

I would be lying if I said I am not hurting this Christmas but I am also "okay".  I am trying to live in the moment and hold on to the hope I have for next Christmas, but its not easy.  Not easy at all. I have my moments. 

I broke down in tears on the way to work knowing that it was this morning where I would test on a dollar cheapie and see a faint positive. It took everything for me to hold it in and not tell my husband. I planned to tell him later that evening after testing again. 

Later today, I would run to Walmart for a First Response and take it upon arriving home from work.  I was so ridiculously anxious for my husband to return home, to share the news using our "bootleg" elf on the shelf holding the positive pregnancy test. I will never forget his excitement and joy. 

I am a ball of mixed feelings.  Not wanting to relive the past, but feeling the need to. I guess you can say the reliving of the moments of the past, just happen.  Right now, I am letting them come in and letting them fade away.  

My one birthday wish is that this year is the last year we shall celebrate as a twosome. 

What is PAI-1?

PAI-1 (PIE) is a gene located on chromosome 7.

PAI-1 gene mutations inhibit fibrinolysis which is the process that degrades blood clots, but also plays a large role in other functions such as ovulation, wound healing, inflammation, etc.

A person can have a normal PAI-1 (5G/5G) or a mutated heterozygous (4G/5G) or a mutated homozygous (4G/4G).  When the gene is mutated blood clots do not break down as they should. The most serious mutation is the 4G/4G, which leads to significantly increased PAI-1 activity resulting in decreased fibrinolysis leading to thrombosis.

Got that?

The PAI-1 (4G/4G) mutation is also linked to a higher concentration of PAI-1 levels in the body. Increased levels of PAI-1 have been linked to a number of conditions including thrombosis, diabetes, pregnancy loss, obesity, coronary heart disease and liver disease.

The PAI-1 mutation, especially the 4G/4G mutation has been linked to issues with pregnancy and infertility such as implantation issues, clots in the placenta or cord and IGUR.  You can read more about the implications of the PAI-1 mutation and infertility/pregnancy issues here.

According to Dr. Kwak-Kim, PAI mutations and MTHFR mutations often come hand in hand especially in PCOS patients which are heavily concentrated in the infertility population.

You can read more about how Dr. Kwak-Kim has begun treating my PAI-1 (4G/4G) here. My future treatment will depend on my PAI-1 level.

Feel free to reach out to me, if you have any questions. I know finding information regarding PAI-1 is not easy!

Kwak-Kim Appointment

My appointment with Dr. Kwak-Kim was yesterday.  I can give you a couple of tips right off  the bat:

1)  Her wait time to get an appointment is around 3 months, and at this point is when they tell you that you have to fast for 12 hours prior to your appointment, drink 32 oz of water and not be on your menses.  By the time my appointment came around, I forgot all of this and called to inquire of any pre-appointment requirements.

2)  If you google "Dr. Kwak-Kim address" you will come across the address of Rosalind Franklin University. This is where we wound up first!  You want the address of the Reproductive Medicine Center.

3)  Be prepared to be there for about 3.5 to 4 hours - if your significant other accompanies you, he will not be able to accompany you until it is time for your Dr. Kwak-Kim consult which is the last portion of your appointment.

The appointment started off with the usual handing over your ID and insurance card.  My appointment began at 7:30 and I was promptly seen by ultrasound at 7:30.

He did an external ultrasound with a full bladder and then after emptying my bladder came a very detailed internal ultrasound.  He was very thorough and described his findings.

His findings:

• Poor blood flow to uterus 
• Good blood flow to ovaries
• Ovaries twice as big as they should be 
• Ridiculously thin lining for Day 10 (3.6)
• Small uterine fibroid 

I then waited a bit and went over to see the nurse practitioner.  I was ready to disrobe and the assistant stopped me. I only had to disrobe from the waist up! First time for everything.  She performed a physical exam and felt my thyroid could use an ultrasound.  Went back to the ultrasound tech and there were no abnormal findings with my thyroid. 

Then came blood work - I had about 17 vials of blood taken, and I have already had a lot of testing done.  So ya, lots of blood. Thank goodness my weak veins cooperated. 

We then waited about 30 minutes to see Dr. Kwak-Kim. At this point, my husband described it as travelling up this tall mountain to see this esteemed doctor.  Yep, it felt exactly that way.  We had already been there three hours before finally seeing "THE doctor". 

She is one intelligent woman.  She can write upside down for goodness sake. 

She was most concerned with my homozygous PAI mutation.  I plan on giving PAI a blog post of its own.  As of right now, she wants to start me on Metformin, even though none of my tests came back with insulin resistance.  She believes the tests will show my PAI level elevated, so wanted to get started tackling that issue ASAP.  She also wants me to follow a strict low carbohydrate diet. In essence, being homozygous PAI means my PAI levels are most likely elevated and Metformin has been used in cases to lower them.  My genetic makeup (PAI mutation) makes my body hold onto carbohydrates more than the average person - leading to insulin resistance, diabetes etc.  In her words, "You can eat the same plate of pasta as the woman next to you, but you will gain 3 lbs and the other woman will not gain an ounce." Oh, yes. Yes, indeed. 

She was also concerned about the poor blood flow to my uterus. She recommended 400iu of Vitamin E and continued baby aspirin right now.  She said that the blood thinning protocol will be tackled once my other blood tests come back.  

She also wants to keep my methylfolate dosage and B vitamins the same for right now in regards to MTHFR.  She will adjust if needed, after receiving my blood test results back. 

She believes my enlarged ovaries and thin lining are caused by my body pretty much "shutting down" after this last egg retrieval. It's very evident I had mild OHSS. She does not anticipate ovulation any time soon.  This makes complete and total sense after my last ridiculously long cycle after my last egg retrieval.  I hope she is right, and my body bounces back.  In the meantime, no heavy lifting, cartwheels or trampoline action.

She is not concerned with the fibroid, as its tiny and not causing me any issues.

I was ridiculously anxious before this appointment, and let me tell you it all fizzled away after meeting with the wonderful staff of Dr. Kwak-Kim's office and herself. 

I am glad I made the appointment, and look forward to hearing her plan of action regarding her findings.  

A Day of Prayer and Remembrance

October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day 

If you are a regular reader, family member or friend you know I speak very openly about our losses and will continue to do so. 

In the process of grieving my losses, I have met many others who have experienced their own losses (miscarriages and infant losses). These women are some of the strongest women I have ever met.  I am so thankful for these "strangers" who supported me at my darkest moments, who encouraged me and give me hope.  These women prayed for me when I had no words to pray for myself.  

It is today that I not only pray for our lost sons, but also these ladies and their lost sons and/or daughters.  

“A wife who loses a husband is called a widow. A husband who loses a wife is called a widower. A child who loses his parents is called an orphan. There is no word for a parent who loses a child. That’s how awful the loss is.”

― Jay Neugeboren, An Orphan's Tale

What Is In My Head

I feel like my hands are tied behind my back, and I hate it. 

So, I research and research and research some more!

I decided to make an appointment with Dr. Kwak-Kim. Well, I am in the process of receiving an appointment. I got the ball rolling last week by sending all of my records and waiting for them to approve my request for an appointment. I was notified this week of a more in-depth health questionnaire that I had to fill out and am now waiting for the call back with an appointment. She is booked into December, and I am really hoping to get into her before 2015 because of tax and insurance reasons (gotta squeeze that medical tax deduction this year)

Dr. Kwak-Kim specializes in recurrent pregnancy loss.  She has patients that literally fly to see her, and seeing she is practically in my backyard it would be foolish of me to not make an effort to see her in regards to her thoughts on my RPL panel results. I of course, have done much more research and have read through my records more than a hundred times and there are some specific things that need to be addressed by a specialist in this field - not my RE and not a regular hematologist. 

A few things that have my head spinning include the pathology reports of both losses have language of clotted blood and fibrin.  I also remember my perinatologist telling us that the placenta with our first loss was extremely small.  These can be related to blood clotting.  

I have found specific people online who have my exact mutations (PAI-1 Homozygous, HPA1 Homozygous and MTHFR Compound Heterozygous) and that have seen Dr. Kwak-Kim who put them on 40mg of Lovenox when TTC and 80mg of Lovenox when pregnant. These doses are not the recommended smallest dose that the hematologist recommended. The PAI-1 can also cause insulin resistance. However, with all tests I have had to date I do not have insulin resistance, but who knows! There is also a specific test she runs regarding the level of PAI-1 in your blood. This is one test I have not had done. 

As of right this second, we are going through with a third cycle of IVF.  My mind changes by the minute. I have a follow-up with our RE next week to discuss how we plan to move forward. I have a couple of creative ways that I would like to present to her and hear her thoughts on.

If you have seen Dr. Kwak-Kim, please feel free to share your experience with me. I would deeply appreciate it. 

Not Just a Date

I had been dreading this week since our loss on February 9th.  I know how raw an estimated due date of a loss is.  I still breakdown in random fits of grief - anger, sadness and anxiety from our first loss which was over 5 years ago.  

The truth is we have an entire spare bedroom full of miscellaneous baby stuff. I have been pregnant a total of 32 weeks in my lifetime. It pains me to even look at the door let alone step inside. The room where a baby should be sleeping.

The dates are forever etched into my brain - 3/1/2011 (first loss date), 7/11/2010 (first due date), 12/23/2014 (positive pregnancy test), 2/9/15 (second loss date), 8/27/2015 (second due date)

These dates will forever bring sadness and anxiety.  Even the seasons affect me. I will never forget how I told my husband we were pregnant.  I will once again pull that elf out of its box this year and my eyes are guaranteed to well with tears. Last Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas were the last holidays we were to spend as a twosome.  

I wish I could tell you what I have learned from our losses or the purpose of them, but I cant. 

6 Days on the Board

I had my first monitoring appointment yesterday and drum roll... the Lupron and BCP did not over suppress me which I have been worried sick about.  

I had a few follicles between 10-12, and my med dosage was not increased. I will most likely have retrieval the end of next week.  

I found out my IVF nurse is also an IVF patient. She explained that her first cycle was Antagonist and her second was Lupron. She responded much better to the Lupron cycle. Lets hope I am the same, mmmkay? I can then forgive the horrendous side effects.  She then asked if her new trainee could be at my next monitoring appointment.  My response, "You know what they say... one's company, two's a crowd and three's a party."

At this point, all I can do is laugh.

This has been a rough cycle. The Lupron side effects, a sick pup and my due date for my most recent pregnancy loss quickly approaching its a lot for me to emotionally handle. My heart is heavy and saying my heart is fragile is an understatement. 

As difficult as it is, I am trying my best to stay positive for the future while grieving the past. 

What We Wish You Knew

I have been very open regarding our baby making struggles with the hopes of spreading awareness. I have also hoped that my willingness to be so open would develop an understanding to those close to me. An answer to my tears, fears and anxiety. I wanted to compile a few tid-bits of what others wish their family and friends knew regarding their own fertility struggles.  Once you have an idea of what someone is going through it makes things so much easier to understand.

• Infertility has a tendency to take over your life.  There is no woman on a bigger mission than a woman trying to conceive. Whether you are at the beginning of your journey and obsessing over your cycle and peeing on every stick you can get your hands or going through treatments where your life is controlled by your IVF/IUI calender and RE's recommended bedtime.

• It's an emotional rollercoaster with so many ups and downs.  The whole journey is a journey into the unknown.   

• We could do without the unsolicited advice.  There is no need to share your list of reasons why living childless is awesome or mention adoption because there are plenty of children in this world looking for parents. Just dont.

• It's okay to ask questions. Those struggling with infertility are some of the strongest women I know. It is better to ask questions than to assume. People will share what they are comfortable sharing.

• Holidays are often brutal. It doesnt matter what the holiday - they can all be triggers. Do your best to respect boundaries without judgment and with compassion.

• The majority of insurance companies do not cover infertility treatments. In fact, they are looked upon as "elected procedures" because ya know infertility treatments are just so similar to breast implants. The financial strain of infertility is just as real as the emotional strain.

I jumped on Instagram to ask for other's opinions on what they with their family and friends knew regarding their infertility struggles and/or ART (assistant reproductive technology).  Here are a few...

• That it is okay to just say "good luck", I am here to listen and I am sorry.  We are not looking for advice, just support. (ttc_baby_r)
• That it really is *that* hard.  So many people, yes even family seem to think we overreact, that it cant hurt that much.  It does.  (audreyandmyangels & Blog)
• The expense is one of the hardest parts, so support me emotionaly and be respectful of what I am going through, but also dont judge me when I can't go out or take a trip.  It adds additional stress that I don't need. (icsibittybabydreams)

According to Resolve, infertlity is defined as the inability to conceive or carry a pregnancy to term after 12 months of trying.  Infertility is a disease that affects 10% of the population. 

What do you wish the other 90% of the population knew?

The Doctor of Blood

I have learned blood clotting disorders and pregnancy are everything but black and white and everyone has a different opinion on how or when to treat them.  I met with a Hematologist this afternoon and I feel so much less confuzzled.  As I have mentioned before I found out I am compound heterozygous MTHFR, but I am also homozygous PAI-1 4G/5G and HPA-1. 

The thing about blood clotting disorders is they could quite possibly never, ever affect you or your pregnancy.  Then again they could.

My history proves losses due to chromosomal errors and not due to my blood clotting disorders.   

He personally feels that if my homocysteine levels check out fine my chances of dealing with a pregancy loss due to my particular blood clotting disorders is low. 

However, seeing that I have more than two clotting disorders he felt that the lowest dose of Lovenox up until the 2nd trimester would be the best course of action.

This is fabulous news. 

He sent me off with a homocysteine and Lupus Anticoagulant blood test script and the orders of calling him after embryo transfer. 

This my friends was a good appointment. 

A Decision

I met with my RE yesterday and asked for her professional opinion regarding our next steps of attempting a take home baby. 

She was not opposed to trying again naturally.  However, she did stress the time it takes to naturally become pregnant and possibly miscarry. We discussed the risks of having another D&C.  She also stressed the next pregnancy would be a bit more invested than the previous pregnancies because it would be considered high risk due to my history and more importantly daily Lovenox injections due to my thrombophilia markers which I have four (way to hit it out of the genetics ballpark!) She did ensure me that if we were to try again naturally I would be closely monitored and most likely not have to endure the hemorrhaging I did last time.

She believes there is an egg quality issue going on and although IVF cannot fix the issue, it can significantly lower our odds of a miscarriage by screening the embryos. 

Her professional opinion was to continue with our plan of IVF/PGS, and after so much thought and discussion we plan on following her opinion.  I had my antra follicle count ultrasound completed and have started the suppression stage.

Life is not full of guarantees - more like the opposite.  There are times where you cannot change the cards that you have been dealt.  There are times where you have to take a leap of faith and see what happens. The last few months have taught me the only thing I do have control over are my thoughts/feelings and that in life chances need to be taken.  I am going to do everything in my power to make this experience self-empowering and positive.

46, XY & 46, XX

We received our karyotypes back and they are both normal. This is surprisingly good news, please do not let me steer you the wrong way, but we are also back at not having a definite answer or "bad luck".

With the information we have right now the explanation could be poor egg quality/spindle issues leading to chromosomal abnormal embryos.

We know much more information then when we first started this journey and the decision truly lies in "putting all of our eggs in one basket" and continuing with the plan of IVF/PGS to significantly lower the chances of another miscarriage.

I am meeting with our RE tomorrow morning to discuss her professional opinion and a Day 3 ultrasound. We will then go from there. As of right now, I am leaning towards continuing through with our decision to pursue IVF/PGS. Honestly, I am unsure if I can emotionally/physically endure another loss and lowering our elevated risk of miscarriage by finding a chromosomal normal embryo sounds ideal, albeit expensive. I have scoured the internet for advice from others who have been in my position and weighed the pros and cons. My husband and I have had numerous conversations with him worrying most about my health and supporting my final decision.  At this point, a decision needs to be made.  I need to have faith in that decision and not look back.

Will this roller coaster ride ever stop?

An Announcement

Up until recently I had little to no advice regarding dealing with pregnancy announcements when you are dealing with fertility issues of your own.  I have now lived it and fortunately for me it was not something the person giving the announcement took lightly but rather with care and sensitivity.

I have decided to be honest and open regarding this crazy rollercoaster we are on and in this circumstance it worked in my favor.  What we are going through is not a secret, and in its openness it creates friends and family who are supportive, compassionate and sensitive (for the most part - life isnt perfect and I will not pretend it is).

The gut reaction will be at the very least, discomfort – I am not going to lie.  Although, this discomfort has nothing to do with the announcement or the happiness you have for the other person.  It has everything to do with what you are longing for.  It brings up raw emotions from the past.  You are human and this is totally to be expected. A pregnancy announcement is an emotional trigger of a whirlwind of emotions for those struggling with infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss.

I personally felt genuine happiness but I also felt a heap load of other feelings. The theme goes on "its a lot".

I have realized one person's happiness  is not equal to extreme happiness in myself. This is human nature.  Does that make sense?  I was happy for the other person but that does not mean I was equally as happy as the other person and this is not purely due to my own fertility struggles. I don’t think anyone can feel the extreme happiness of another person as you are not the other person.  You would not hold others to these expectations, so why must you hold yourself to them?  I don’t think it’s fair to blame it all on one’s fertility struggles and it is unfair to set expectations like that for yourself.  You can feel happy and also feel other not so wonderful feelings. If you are lucky as I was, the person giving the news would totally understand this and have absolutely no expectations of your reaction.  This my friends is love and true friendship.

You follow?

It’s important to remember the courage it may have took your friend/family member to tell you the news.  They may not completely understand your journey, but they can offer you friendship and support.  As you can offer the same friendship and support in return.

Most importantly, do what you can – when you can with a focus on your comfort level. Give yourself time.  Cry if you need to.  Feel the feelings you have. Protect yourself from those not so fabulous feelings.

 

I know some women are much more private regarding their struggles, but if you ever come across this blog and need someone to talk to – please do not hesitate commenting or emailing me at naturallyunbalancedk@gmail.com

Loss, Infertility and Marriage

It’s not easy. 

We have argued, disagreed and cried.

My husband and I have been through a lot together, but pregnancy loss has been by far the most difficult.  The last couple of months have been an emotional roller-coaster; endless doctor’s appointments, numerous tests, bad news, financial strain and extremely difficult decisions.  The future holds uncertainty, but for certain the next few months will hold the same stress on our relationship.

The truth is we are not perfect and our relationship is not perfect. We are not always emotionally on the same page. In my opinion, there is a huge gender difference when it comes to dealing with obstacles such as infertility and pregnancy loss.

I have learned that a man has an instinct to “fix” problems, and in this case his hands are tied.  The heartbreak I see on his face when he sees me depressed or anxious breaks my heart, but in the throes of everything I cannot “snap out of it”.  The wicked thoughts begin, and I immediately feel he is not invested as I because his reactions cannot even touch my extreme emotions.

However, we have made it to today because we love each other unconditionally, and both know in our hearts we can survive anything. On most occasions when nobody can; he can reassure me, calm me  and love me when I am not very lovable.  I am sure there are plenty more arguments, disagreements and tantrums (by me) in our future, but we are in this together. 

There are dark days but there are also bright days. 

His love for me does not go unnoticed.  We have learned just how invested we are into one another and have learned quite a lot about each other through this difficult process.  We have learned to tread lightly and treat each other with more compassion.  We argue less and talk more. My tone is softer and he has become more patient. We are beginning to live more in the moment and focusing more on each other.  As you can see there are benefits from any struggle.  These are a few of ours.

What the days ahead will bring us is unknown, but as of right now one of our goals is strengthening our marriage.  It's been proven a weak marriage it not likely to withstand the emotional roller-coaster of infertility.   

 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” – Jeremiah 29:11

 

 

What the What?

What is IVF with PGD/PGS?

IVF is IVF - stimulate the ovaries with hormone injectables to produce (hopefully) lots and lots of healthy mature eggs, retrieve the eggs, egg meets sperm in a petri dish or egg is ICSI'd (hopefully) you will wind up with good quality fertilized eggs and then transfer the fertilized embryos to the uterus for (hopefully) implantation and in 9 months (hopefully) a take home baby.

Get the gist?

IVF is the only way one can go through PGD/PGS.  Without IVF there is no PGD/PGS. 

PGS/PGS stands for preimplantation genetic diagnosis or preimplantation genetic screening which means prior to transfer of the embryo the embryo or egg is tested for genetic/chromosomal issues or a specific disease

The embryo or egg needs to be biopsied, then the biopsy is sent to the genetic lab for testing.  You then find out if there are any genetically normal embryos  to implant and (hopefully) there is an embryo of good quality that is also genetically normal.

As you can see we will be running on lots of hope and faith the next few months. 

An Interview of Sorts

I was up at 5:30 AM (this never happens), took a hot shower and reviewed my notes.  I felt like I was preparing for a job interview, but instead was preparing for our IVF with PGD/PGS consultation with our RE.

As I have said in the past, an appointment with our RE is “therapy” for my ovaries, but this appointment was more like an interview to see if we wanted her to be more than that.   

I had researched my brain off regarding everything, so I was quite aware of the procedures but still had questions such as: qualifications of the person doing the biopsy, lab that completes the genetic testing, willingness to bank cycles and a few other things that I can’t remember right now.  Because holy information.

My questions were answered and we were able to meet the embryologist that performs the biopsy. He assured me it wasn’t his first rodeo and in the end it’s the laser doing all of the work.  Oh technology.  He is also a geneticist and he quickly explained to us that we do not know who carries the translocation yet, and the first step is finding out who does.  I told him I was pretty sure it was me.  My husband’s tests are, according to my RE, “stellar” and through my research this was a clear sign I am carrying the translocation.  In addition, our losses were caused by more chromosomes rather than less chromosomes another sign it is most likely the egg.  He glanced at my husband’s tests and quickly agreed with me, but explained karyotyping still needs to be completed to ensure the genetics lab has a probe fit for our situation.  I felt better meeting the person who would be performing the biopsy. I had imagined a young intern of sorts monkeying around in lab.  Luckily, the man was seasoned, intelligent and could handly my husband and I's jokes.

Where are we now? 

We have decided to go forward with IVF with PGD/PGS.  I am scheduled for a Saline Infusion Sonohysterography this Wednesday.  It sounds like an exotic facial treatment but it’s really an ultrasound to look for scar tissue in my uterus because of my previous D&C’s.  Oh uterus, please do not fail me now.

We are awaiting karyotyping results

I must continue taking aspirin because of the thrombophilia shenanigans.

We must remember, we are extremely fortunate to be able to even attempt IVF with PGD/PGS and this cannot be taken for granted.  I need to pull myself together for a crazy few months and remember that God has a plan for us.  We have been through so much already, and I know in my heart we can get through anything.