Not Just a Date

I had been dreading this week since our loss on February 9th.  I know how raw an estimated due date of a loss is.  I still breakdown in random fits of grief - anger, sadness and anxiety from our first loss which was over 5 years ago.  

The truth is we have an entire spare bedroom full of miscellaneous baby stuff. I have been pregnant a total of 32 weeks in my lifetime. It pains me to even look at the door let alone step inside. The room where a baby should be sleeping.

The dates are forever etched into my brain - 3/1/2011 (first loss date), 7/11/2010 (first due date), 12/23/2014 (positive pregnancy test), 2/9/15 (second loss date), 8/27/2015 (second due date)

These dates will forever bring sadness and anxiety.  Even the seasons affect me. I will never forget how I told my husband we were pregnant.  I will once again pull that elf out of its box this year and my eyes are guaranteed to well with tears. Last Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas were the last holidays we were to spend as a twosome.  

I wish I could tell you what I have learned from our losses or the purpose of them, but I cant.