34

My 34th birthday was this past weekend, and I was pretty quiet about it.  Even more quiet about it than usual. I have never been a birthday princess, per se. If you are, more power to you. I have been this way since my 18th birthday. I vividly remember crying because I was turning 18. 

Issue? Perhaps Definitely. 

Anyhow, this birthday was much more difficult than birthdays of the past. I couldn't help but remember the way I spent my last birthday. I remember it clear as day.  

I fell asleep on the couch; in my coat and scarf waiting for a friend to pick me up for massages and lunch.  

The afternoon was delightful but I was exhausted. I started to then blame the exhaustion on the massage. 

I mustered up enough energy after massages and lunch to get ready for dinner with my husband at Sushisamba.  We got about a mile from our house and I requested we stay in and order take out.  

Little did I know, but I had *hoped* that I was pregnant.  Of course, this was the main goal but I did not want to get mine or my husband's hopes up just yet.  I shrugged it off as holiday exhaustion.   

At this point, I was counting down the days until I could pee on a stick. I found out I was pregnant three days later.  

The week of Christmas 2014 was without a doubt the happiest Christmas week of my life. 

The excitement I had to tell my husband, gathering cards to tell my sister-in law and mother-in-law and just the overwhelming joy that I had knowing that next Christmas we would be a family of three. 

We know how well that turned out. 

I would be lying if I said I am not hurting this Christmas but I am also "okay".  I am trying to live in the moment and hold on to the hope I have for next Christmas, but its not easy.  Not easy at all. I have my moments. 

I broke down in tears on the way to work knowing that it was this morning where I would test on a dollar cheapie and see a faint positive. It took everything for me to hold it in and not tell my husband. I planned to tell him later that evening after testing again. 

Later today, I would run to Walmart for a First Response and take it upon arriving home from work.  I was so ridiculously anxious for my husband to return home, to share the news using our "bootleg" elf on the shelf holding the positive pregnancy test. I will never forget his excitement and joy. 

I am a ball of mixed feelings.  Not wanting to relive the past, but feeling the need to. I guess you can say the reliving of the moments of the past, just happen.  Right now, I am letting them come in and letting them fade away.  

My one birthday wish is that this year is the last year we shall celebrate as a twosome.