So many emotions

I have so much joy for this pregnancy, for this little tiny human growing inside of me. 

but...

I also have an overwhelming set of other emotions that often overshadow the joy. 

thanks pregnancy loss

There is an overwhelmingly sense of fear that comes along with pregnancy after a loss(es).  This is not fear of the unknown.  Unfortunately this is fear of the known. Fear of what you have known has happened.  There is no moment not ridiculed by this fear; am I really pregnant? did I see something on the ultrasound? my boobs no longer hurt. where is my nausea? 

I have been lucky enough to have a great RE who has done a whole lot of hand holding, but the sense of fear is still there. It disappears on the day of an ultrasound appointment, but quickly returns. There is no constant reassurance that the baby you are now carrying has a heart that is still beating. However, there is a constant fear that once againyour body will fail you leaving you with flashbacks of past pregnancy loss(es). The anguish and pain that only a person whom has experienced can ever understand. The pain never disappears - it simply retreats and is resurrected during what is supposed to be one of the most joyous parts of one's life. 

Along with the fear comes extreme paranoia. Can I eat this? Can I eat that? Dissecting lab results. Listeria. Zika Virus.  You name it. You know how quickly your dreams for your unborn baby can be taken from you, and the terror you live in of making a 'mistake' and having those dreams ripped from you will drive you mad.  It will wreak havoc on your relationships and well being. 

I wish I had a miracle remedy in surviving the fear and paranoia, but I do not.  I have been merely surviving.  Thank goodness for pregnancy exhaustion, as I have noticed sleeping the fear and paranoia away is a quick fix. Although, this symptom has subsided (cue paranoia). I have been focusing on milestones. I have been thankful for each day.  I have a lot of hope for this baby, and I refuse to let the majority of this pregnancy be overshadowed with the fear of pregnancy past, but I am not going to sugar coat it - its hard. Harder than I had ever imagined. 

It's going to be a very long nine months, but I am going to fill it with lots and lots of hope.